As our team prayed about the phrase “a time to kill and a time to heal,” we felt led to share what we are learning in our marriages. There are things we need to kill with God’s help in our marriages so that He can bring long lasting healing. Join us in this conversation.
Oh Janelle, I know you have a much greener thumb than me. ? I just looked out the window and I think I killed my basil plant. ?
Oh no. What happened?
Well, to be honest, I forgot to water it!
It happens to all of us! My outside flowers are usually the ones I forget about too. I have the best of intentions, but the follow-through is lacking. ?
Yes! Why is it that it’s so easy to get distracted and forget to water the things we should?! ?
Such a good question. ? This might sound crazy, but it actually reminds me of my marriage a few years back.
Really? ?How?
Well, things were pretty bleak. ? A lot like your basil… dry and parched. I was about to kill it unintentionally by my selfishness and critical tongue. ? It was like my negative words and actions were scorching the tender plant of my marriage. I needed to do things differently, but I couldn’t do it on my own. My marriage needed some divine intervention, if you know what I mean?!
Are you talking about my marriage? ? We went through a similar rough patch…
So you know what I’m talking about. It’s not just the “brown thumbs” that have a hard time keeping things alive! ? My tongue often got me (and still does, from time to time…) into trouble when I was critical of my husband and not a tad bit respectful.
I hear ya. Why can’t I hold my tongue from saying those passive aggressive comments? And sadly I don’t need words to show my disdain sometimes…like when my hubby’s late for dinner somehow I think the appropriate response is the silent treatment. But I’m sure you can guess…it’s not too effective. ?♀️
Yes. Like when I’m controlling and critical without thinking… believing I know how to do something better than he does (like change the baby ?)! Those subtle words and actions start choking out the good seeds and the weeds start growing! And before I know it, resentment has planted itself firmly in my heart!
Been there. When I focus on what it feels like my hubby is not doing, the weed of bitterness definitely steals my joy. ? And then I don’t see all of the things he is actually doing…
You mean focusing on all of the negatives doesn’t help grow things in your marriage? ?Because I’ve had some killer results over here. Ha… not at all actually.?♀️
Ha. Nope not one bit. But I do feel like things changed (at least in my heart) when I realized that the critical spirit I had was actually like a huge weed killing the joy in our marriage. ? Amazing how things are better–even just a little–when I choose gratitude over criticism. ?♀️
Exactly. Even when he does things that drive me nuts (like wipe his face on the kitchen towel)! ? It’s all about my thoughts… that’s where it all starts.
You’re so right…but I’ll be honest, I have let a crazy amount of weeds grow in my thought-life…?
Oh me too. Several years ago, my marriage was on the brink of disaster. We fought all the time and I cried myself to sleep most nights. Something had to change or we were going to end up divorced. ? I remember thinking if my husband changed, everything would improve. But do you know what happened instead?
Well, I can guess, because I was right there too…
Yep, you probably can. God changed me. And He did it when He began opening my eyes to all the blessings He had given me in my man. They were there, He just had to help me see them. ?
?
And you know what else? Just like your basil died when you forgot to water it, if I choose to not “water” my negative thoughts, they will shrivel up and die too.
That’s such a good point. And on the flip side, if I choose to “water” the positive thoughts, they will grow something beautiful. ?
That’s probably why the Bible tells us to “take our thoughts captive,” right? They actually have the power to kill or heal!
Amen sister. And you know what? Nurturing my positive thoughts has been helpful to me, but what’s really healed my marriage is actually forgiving him and myself when we miss the mark. ?But let’s be honest, that is not an easy thing to do.
It sure isn’t!
But when I do the hard work of forgiving, God turns my eyes toward Him. And He grows my roots deeper and deeper so I won’t be like my poor plant. Oh, speaking of…
Yeah?
Look! ?
I know it looks a little sad but I haven’t killed it! I have been watering it every day and guess what? It’s starting to come back to life! ?
Aw, yay! It’s so rewarding to see new growth on a seemingly dead plant!?
So true. And isn’t it the same in our lives?!
Oh God, would you root this truth deep in our hearts and marriages? Would you help us be diligent to kill the weeds, and water the right seeds? ?
Soaking in the Truth
Scripture to encourage you:
- “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a, NIV)
- “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV)
- “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8,9)
- “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV)
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“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV)
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“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (James 5:16, NASB)
Music to inspire you:
- Restore by Chris August
- Love Is Not A Fight by Warren Barfield (Check out the video of him sharing the story behind the song)
- King of My Heart by Bethel Music
- Broken Together by Casting Crowns
- Pioneers by For King and Country
- Remind Me by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood
Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:
- Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs
- The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick
- What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? By Linda Dillow
Related Posts on Texting The Truth:
Living Out the Truth
Ideas to try:
- We first want to say that we are by far not marriage experts. But we highly recommend seeking one out. My marriage has definitely benefitted from some good counseling. Sometimes just hearing an outside person’s counsel can really help. It’s sort of like when my front flower bed got out of hand with weeds this spring and it took the help of a professional landscaper to get it back in check. Seeking professional help isn’t a bad thing. In fact, there’s nothing better!
- We recognize that sometimes focusing on changing us isn’t always enough. Sometimes the other person needs to change and sometimes he may be unwilling. Sometimes a marriage isn’t healed. We rest in the truth that God is still good and He loves you more than you know. In His grace is no condemnation. God can still grow good things even if it seems hopeless. There is always hope because there is always God.
- Start a “thankful journal” of good things you see in your husband. This has definitely helped me in the seasons when I was overly frustrated with my husband. Another thought: what if you shared it with him?
- Open up to a friend about your marriage. This isn’t for you to throw him under the bus but instead let someone else in about how things are going. It’s amazing how a friend’s prayers can help uplift your marriage – I know from experience! Don’t go at marriage alone. Whether it is a counselor, a trusted friend, a small group from church – invite people in to speak truth into your marriage!
- Consider going away together to a Marriage Conference. We have heard awesome things about A Weekend To Remember. Sometimes pushing the reset button is what we need to bring back into the lifeless plant of your marriage.
- Ask yourself – how are you helping water your marriage? Are you caring for your marriage well? Where could you grow to help grow your marriage?
{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}
