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Category Archives: Friendship

Owner of a Lonely Heart

11 / 11 / 19
Virginia

I’m really proud of how brave I was today…;)

Katie

Let’s hear it! What did you do?

Virginia

I asked a mom for her phone number – a stranger, mind you – at the indoor playground because I didn’t want her to ‘get away.’ Our kids were all playing so well together – you know when you can see the magic happening? I didn’t want to let that go. Haha.

Katie

Ha, I do know what you mean!! Good for you, seizing that moment. I feel like it’s really not easy meeting other moms. Why is it so hard to make mom friends?

Virginia

I don’t know. Friendships seemed so easy when we were kids. I don’t want to admit this but I get lonely sometimes.

Katie

I think every mom can relate to that. And, yet, no one ever talks about it. No one warned me before I had kids how lonely it can be as a mom.

Virginia

Yeah, me neither. I don’t want people to see me as desperate or clingy so I just say I’m fine when I’m really not and need people.

Katie

Yep, I get that. I do the same thing.

Virginia

Sometimes it’s situational – when I have sick kids and playdates are out because you’ll infect others – job hazard. ? Although it doesn’t take long before I feel like I’m going downhill emotionally.

Katie

I feel ya. Sometimes schedules just don’t mesh. So much of my life revolves around taking care of my little people and getting them where they need to go. It doesn’t leave much time for meeting up with friends.

Virginia

Yes! What’s tough for me is that we just moved here 2 ½ years ago. I had to make all new friends and that takes time. If I’m having a really rough day, I just want to run to someone who knows me well so I don’t have to explain everything. My “tribe” is scattered around the Southeast. And anyway, tribe is such a buzzword these days.

Katie

It sure is! “Find your tribe!” Easier said than done I think. Because, sometimes, I can be surrounded by lots of people but still feel lonely because I don’t really feel known or understood by anyone. I hear all these stories about women who are lifelong best friends, who just do everything together and are always there for each other. It sounds amazing and wonderful and exactly what I want … and then I start wondering if there is something wrong with me that I don’t have those one or two lifelong bffs …

Virginia

There is nothing wrong with you – you’re amazing! It’s culture’s expectations. It’s a nice fantasy because I want it too, but I don’t know how often that really happens.

Katie

The moms group at my church actually had a meeting last year called “Find Your Tribe,” where a panel of moms spoke about finding fellowship and building friendships. What one mom shared really stood out to me. She said friendships can ebb and flow and change with our seasons of life and motherhood. And that it is ok. And to embrace that.

Virginia

That’s good to remember. It’s like when half of your single friends disappear when you get married, or was that just me? Lol. Entering motherhood certainly opened up a whole new world for me. Of course you can’t base an entire friendship on comparing formula and diaper brands but we have to start somewhere.

Katie

Ha! Yes! And sometimes friendships change because of a cross-country move. Or starting a new job. Or kids starting school. Or whatever. When I feel a friendship starting to shift, my instinct is usually to kind of pull back from everyone and isolate myself.

Virginia

That makes sense. It’s like you’re protecting yourself from even more hurt.

Katie

Right. But, of course it isn’t helpful. I feel lonely, so I isolate myself, which leads to feeling more lonely and isolating myself more. It can become a cycle that is hard to break out of.

Virginia

When that happens, I am brave sometimes, like I was with that mom at the indoor playground. I have to get outside of myself. I have to make an effort, especially when I don’t feel like it.

Katie

It’s so hard, but it is so true!

Virginia

It is SO hard!

Katie

I have to be willing to take the first step. Send a text to invite other moms to meet up at a park with the kids. Go to the women’s event at church, even if I’m tired and would rather sit in my pajamas on the couch after I put the kids to bed. Join that moms group, even if I don’t know anyone there yet.

Virgnia

I agree. We have to break the cycle, although I’m secretly hoping the other mom will cancel so I don’t have to step outside my comfort zone; it’s just so cozy in there. ?

Seriously though, there have also been times I’ve received the invitation. Remember when you invited me over? You made the first move and I was so grateful!

Katie

The kids ran around the house playing and we chatted and worked on some writing projects together. It was so fun!

Virginia

It was! So that’s another part of moving beyond ourselves – there might be a mom on the other end that’s super thankful she didn’t have to do it first. 🙂

Katie

Yes! I think every mom is really longing for friendship, wanting to be known and understood. God made us to live in relationships, not alone. So let’s be the first one to extend an invitation!

Virginia

On that note, I’ll go text my new mom friend. The worst she can say is no.

Katie

Good luck! And if she says no, consider me a ‘yes.’?

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, NIV)
  • “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17, NIV)
  • “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NIV)
  • “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV)
  • Music to inspire you:

    • “Stained Glass Masquerade” by Casting Crowns
    • “Yes, I Will” by Vertical Worship

    Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

    • Overcoming Loneliness and Building Friendships That Fit message by Holly Furtick
    • Overcoming Loneliness message by Dr. Charles Stanley
    • How to Deal with Loneliness by iMom

    Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

    • Cabin Fever in Mama’s Soul
    • Finding Warmth in the Waiting
    • I Dropped My Friend Ball

    Living Out the Truth

    Ideas to try:

    • Text a friend. Be honest. Tell her how you really feel. If you’re afraid to be that vulnerable, ask her on a coffee date or plan a playdate. Sometimes just having something to look forward to can alleviate some of the pain.
    • Examine how you spend your time: Are you on Facebook all day, being jealous of all the fun you’re not having? Or are you finding ways to serve another mom? Do you someone who would appreciate you reaching out to them? You can even volunteer at church or another social organization if you have limited contact with other adults. Focusing on others can decrease anxiety and loneliness.
    • Find a community. What do you enjoy doing? Is it reading? Find a book club. Exercise? Find or start your own 9am neighborhood walking group. It does take effort but find those like-minded moms to do life with and you just might find a new BFF.

    {These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

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A Time to Be Silent, A Time to Speak

11 / 19 / 1811 / 18 / 18

As a self-proclaimed “extroverted introvert,” finding the balance ⚖️ between what fills me up and what drains me has always been a craft that’s required some fine-tuning.
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It’s no secret that communication is key ? in absolutely every area of our lives – essential to the continued growth of our marriages?, the always-evolving relationships we have with our children?, interactions with other moms, our friends, and family ?.
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As a child, I mistook my introverted tendencies to be an innate flaw ?. I was surrounded by extroverted mentors, many of whom I greatly admired. I wanted terribly to be naturally outgoing, to feel comfortable in overwhelmingly social situations, and to be the person with just the right thing to say at the right time. It took me a long time to realize I’m simply not wired that way – rather, I’m exactly the person {and personality} that God intended ?.
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In the early years of our marriage, I found it all too easy to brush the day-to-day under the rug ?. My husband and I are both pretty easy-going people, and work schedules, household chores, and life in general always required us to take turns making our fair share of sacrifices?. Fast forward to the unforeseen moment when something small would inevitably spark a conversational spew?, and my poor husband would get hit with a stream of grievances he’d never seen coming?– and, let’s be honest, weren’t even an issue most days – until it just so happened that the emotions boiled over? (with, perhaps, exhaustion, loneliness, or anxiety truly to blame)?‍♀️. It didn’t take us long to realize that our communication habits, and give-give-give mentalities, needed a reboot ?.
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Even my prayer life changed when I became a mom??. My go-to reflection on the drive to work each morning was always, “Lord, please be on my mind ?, on my lips ?, and in my heart ?.” This remains of primary value to me, but I also credit the rigors of motherhood ?? with teaching me to foster a real, raw, and ongoing relationship with God – to engage Him in more than just the moments I’m feeling most grateful, or needy ?.
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How about you, Mama? Can you relate?
Like everything else in life and motherhood, this can be a work in progress??. So here’s what I’m learning…
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I’ve learned that introspection is a gift ?, not a flaw. I’m not wired to be as extroverted as some of my peers, family members, or friends, and you know what? That’s ok. It’s more than ok, actually, because when God wired me, He did so in the way that best suited my gifts and talents ??. I’ve learned that extroverted ease is something I can appreciate in others, without feeling the need to emulate☺️. Can I speak up for what’s right? Do I enjoy getting involved in activities that matter to me, meeting new people, and growing through fellowship? You bet I do. Am I a good friend, and an even better listener? ? I certainly try to be. If I can answer all of these questions resolutely, then I’d say I’m extroverted in all the right ways. The drive to speak up and the desire to be truly seen and heard go hand-in-hand ???, and I want to do both according to where my heart leads ?–not because I feel I’m supposed to.
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In our marriage, my husband and I work to maintain ongoing communication?. We’ve learned to vocalize how we’re feeling before it ever becomes a problem – no matter how significant or silly – and we feel heard every step of the way? (not just at the breaking point?). We step in for one another in small ways when we can, and without asking, before one or the other of us is completely exhausted ?, or blows up without warning. In his book, Everybody Always, author Bob Goff says, “We make plans, and God sends us a person.”  That spouse of mine? He’s my person – my life’s partner – and I’m an integral part of his plan, too. Don’t wait for date night to check in and catch up. ?
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I credit being a special needs mom with pushing me toward more openness and vulnerability in all of my relationships✨. Rather than desiring to “have it all together,” I can appreciate God’s constant reminders for humility. And guess what? Opening up about all of the less-envied parts of motherhood has made me a better mom, more relatable, and approachable?‍♀️. Turns out that when you open your heart to others, they feel safe enough to do the same – and what an incredible gift that is ?.
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The bottom line, Mama? Do what works for you??. Let your gifts and interests lead you to where you’re meant to be ➡️. Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your heart, but also know when it’s time (and ok) to just listen❣️.

Our God? He’s doing the exact same thing.

For us. ?  

Every. Single. Day.

?Jen

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the Heavens…a time to be silent and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 7b).
  • “If boasting is necessary, I will boast about my weaknesses” (2 Corinthians, ‪11:30‬).
  • “There are different ministries, but the same Lord” (1 Corinthians, 12:5).
  • “For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy, 1:7).
  • “You’re my place of quiet retreat. I wait for your word to renew me” (Psalm 119:114).
  • “Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John, 3:18).

Music to inspire you:

  • Speak Life, by ‪Toby MAC‬
  • You Say, by Lauren Daigle
  • Great Plans, by Cloverton

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

  • It’s Ok Mama, Just Say No, by Dayton Moms Blog
  • Everybody Always, by Bob Goff
  • Raise Your Voice: Why We Stay Silent and How to Speak Up, by Kathy Khang
  • The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman
  • The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively, by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

  • Real Need, Real Help
  • Mom Win Wednesday: Courtney Brose
  • Good Enough
  • I Dropped My Friend Ball

Living Out the Truth

Ideas to try:

  • Ask yourself these questions: 

o   What fills you up?
o   What drains you?
o   What are your passions?
o   How can you use your God-given talents?
o   What areas of your life need some tweaking?

  • Start small, and be patient with yourself! Learning to find the balance of that works for you is a special sort of give-and-take juggling act. Do you find yourself over-committed more than you’d like, or are there areas in your life where you could free up some space?  For me (Jen), I’ve learned that if we’re looking at an exceptionally busy few days, I should also schedule some time on the calendar to do absolutely nothing and refuel with my family.
  • Talk to your partner. Where do you feel you can improve as a communicator in your relationship? As your family grows, your relationship needs to evolve with the ever-changing ages and stages. Don’t forget to check in regularly.
  • Do something special for your partner, just because. ?
  • Talk with your kids about what they perceive to be their strengths and gifts. Where do they need a little more confidence? Are they more introspective processors, or does it fill them up to be the life of the party? In a world where it’s too easy to be just like everyone else, we can do our kids a huge favor by encouraging them to use their unique talents and gifts to make the world a better place.

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We don’t claim to have motherhood figured out. Actually quite the opposite. We’re a group of women who first and foremost love the Lord and want to honor Him with our lives and talents. And we decided that what better way for us to sort out this beautiful and messy thing called motherhood but to process it together in text messages? Our prayer is that as we share our real-life stories and honest experiences, every mom who visits our blog will receive tangible truth and experience real grace.

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