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Tag Archives: discipline

Dealing with Disrespectful Kids

7 / 29 / 197 / 29 / 19

Virginia

You know those coffee commercials where the mom gently rises in her bed with the smell of that first cup? Yeah, I look nothing like that this morning! More like “Morning of the Living Dead!” ?

Anna
Anna

Ahahaha, that’s hilarious. I know exactly what you mean! I don’t wake up that way either. ?

Anna
Virginia

Or I awake to someone talking at me. That’s what gets me – how quickly some days begin almost immediately going downhill. It’s like, I’ve been conscious for 30 seconds and you’re in a bad mood and being rude to me? What’s up with that?

Anna
Anna

Right…You need waffles this very second? You want to know where your clean uniform is? You need me to mediate an argument over a brush? And it’s not so much the demands as it is the attitude.

Anna
Virginia

I usually hear, “I’m starving. Go downstairs with me.” And then he doesn’t eat for 45 minutes. ? I think it would help to take a deep breath and just remind ourselves it’s developmentally appropriate for them to be selfish.

Anna
Anna

True! I have a really hard time remembering that their world literally does revolve around them. It’s like when you’re in school and you see your favorite teacher in the grocery store. It’s so confusing: they have a life outside of teaching me? It’s just hard for kids to grasp that. Same thing with Mom and Dad. They simply see us as one-dimensional. And it’s hard to teach them that they’re not Priority One.

Anna
Virginia

Yes, ultimately it is our job to put up those boundaries, even though they don’t like it or may not understand.

Anna
Anna

Yeah. “No, I can’t get you more lemonade right now. You need to wait.” Or “No, you have had enough sleepovers lately; you can’t have one tonight.” (And even if you whine or get an attitude, that doesn’t change my answer.)

Anna
Virginia

And we need to be prepared for their angry response because in their world, they should have sugar, sleepovers and fun 24/7. They don’t know what brats they’d be if we let them have all the junk. Thanks to Kirk Martin (celebratecalm.com), the name-calling that results from that disappointment no longer bothers me.

Anna
Anna

So I think that’s really the challenge — how to respond??? ?

Anna
Virginia

When my son calls me a name, I might say a neutral statement like, “You might be right.” My goal is to defuse the situation, not amp him up by trying to prove my point. Even at 5 he knows he doesn’t mean it; he’s just mad because he’s not getting what he wants.

Anna
Anna

Right!! My mom reminded me the other day — yes, she’s 12, but you really do know what’s best for her. She just doesn’t know it.

Anna
Virginia

But how we do not take it personally?

Anna
Anna

By not making their attitude about us. (I know, easier said than done. But it’s the truth.)

Anna
Virginia

Yes – they’re letting their emotions carry themselves away and do and say things they know are wrong because they’re immature. It’s about them, not us.

Anna
Anna

Totally. So it’s that calm but firm approach. And you are not going to get a rise out of me just because you’re unhappy with my answer.

Anna
Virginia

Right!

Anna
Anna

But what about when you feel like they’ve gone too far? Like what about if they said something really mean, or are just acting like a total brat? I have a hard time ignoring that, especially after I’ve already ignored it several times.

Anna
Virginia

I think, whatever you immediately want to do, that’s the wrong response. Lol. I’ve never improved a situation by following my first reaction.

Anna
Anna

Well that’s a good point. It’s just such a strong urge to correct their behavior THIS VERY SECOND so it doesn’t happen again.

Anna
Virginia

Me too! But in that moment it’s just all feelings. And like everything else, it’s our job to model and guide. If we’re sarcastic and rude back to them, they’ll respond in kind. We need to defuse the situation and show (and practice with them) how to ask for things respectfully. Of course, they can have the ketchup or the lemonade but they’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Anna
Anna

I am TOTALLY about to teach my kids that phrase!!!

Anna
Virginia

One of my go-to parenting books is titled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives dozens of phrases to use with kids to encourage them to cooperate, listen, etc. I need to revisit that.

Anna
Anna

I need that too! It helps to have some go-to phrases, as opposed to my usual, “You hurt me with that response” kind of message.

Anna
Virginia

Maybe instead of “You hurt me” it’s, “This is how other friends might take your words.” Then it’s not, “Oh, my mom is so sensitive” or “She’s clueless.”

Anna
Anna

That’s good stuff, Virginia! Talking about how her friends might take her words/tone is a great idea, because we need to rise above how it’s affecting us and make it more the idea of “I care about the person you are becoming and your future relationships.”

Anna
Virginia

Yeah, and as they get older, they’re going to care more about the relationships outside their family. Teaching them is easier said than done, I know. But it’s time that we put our big girl panties on and remember that it’s not about us. We have to develop tougher skins.

Anna
Anna

Ahh, not my forte. ?

Anna
Virginia

Me neither.

Anna
Anna

But when I am feeling sad because one of my kids (or multiple kids) have hurt my feelings with their words, actions, or tone, I have to go back to God with it. I need to remember that my kids aren’t the source of my stability or love. Yes, I get love from them, but that can’t be my only motivation. They aren’t created to fulfill me; that’s too much pressure on any one person, let alone a child.

Anna
Virginia

So maybe the main thing with disrespectful kids is modeling good responses, and remembering God fills our needs — not our kids. When we fill up on God’s Word we can parent from a confident place. It always goes back to Him which is exactly what He wants. And we know Jesus was mocked, insulted by His family, so we can’t be surprised when we are too.

Anna
Anna

So are you saying I need to shorten my pity parties following disrespectful behavior? ? What will I do with all that extra time??

Anna
Virginia

You’ll have time to wash those big girl panties! ???

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)
  • “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, honor the emperor.” (1 Peter 2:17, NIV)

Music to inspire you:

  • “How He Loves” by David Crowder Band
  • “Your Love Never Fails” by Jesus Culture
  • “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

  • How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (They even have a version for ages 2-7!)
  • Teen-Proofing by John Rosemond
  • Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising Your Child by John Rosemond
  • Celebrate Calm – Developed by Kirk Martin, a series of programs that teaches parents and educators to be the calm adult every child needs.
  • Article: “How To Help Your Kids With Their Turbulent Emotions”

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

  • Do You See Me?
  • (this one’s about marriage but the main point is finding our satisfaction in God)

Living Out the Truth

Ideas to try:

  • Get to the root. Could the appearance of defiance actually be a sign of anxiety or stress, rather than actively trying to push your buttons (I’m scared but I seem angry)? Remember when they were newborns and you would cycle through the 4 main reasons they were upset: hungry, tired, overstimulated, wet/messy? I think that strategy applies to everyone. Often we’re rude because we just haven’t met all of our basic needs. That’s why the term “hangry” is so popular. Kids especially get so caught in play and tend to postpone food and bathroom needs.
  • Use positive language. Tell kids what you are going to do and avoid being accusatory. Instead of “Sit down now! It’s lunchtime! You guys are so slow, hurry up!” Say: “I serve lunch to children sitting at the kitchen table.” I (Virginia) tend to shout a lot of directions up the second floor of our home. It is more effective when I actually walk up there and speak calmly and at a normal volume.
  • Rehearse alternative responses. Sometimes they are rude because they don’t know another way to ask for something so they just demand: “Give me a cookie now!” Model and practice in a quieter voice with “short words” (as I, Virginia, call them, as opposed to whiny words that take longer to say) so they know how to ask in a respectful manner. Make it fun. Role play – you play the whiny child and they can be the mom.

{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

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A #smallshift at Lent

3 / 6 / 193 / 6 / 19

I have never really observed Lent (the 40 days before Easter) before. Sure, I have maybe given up something here or there, but it hasn’t been something I have made a dedicated practice in my life.

This year, as Lent  approached, I felt drawn to participate. Partly because we have been talking about #smallshifts on the blog. And partly because for the past couple of months I have been praying about shifts I need to implement in my life to be more of the woman God wants me to be. One of those areas is having more self-control. Lent seemed like the perfect time to focus on that.

Honestly, my thought process was – this will be a good motivation for me to cut out some things that are getting in the way of my growth and will help me become more disciplined. But after doing some reading about the true purposes of Lent, cutting things out so I can be a better version of myself is actually not the point of Lent. If that was the case, the focus would be on me and my self-discipline and how well I accomplished those goals. Although I think it would be good to go a period of time with a focus on disciplining myself in certain areas, I am realizing that Lent is so much more than that. And it lies in my intent.

Lent actually is fasting. At first that turned me off a little because I’ve never really successfully fasted. I fasted from food once in college but felt so sick by the end that honestly I’ve been scared to attempt it again. ?

However as I read about fasting, I was reminded that the point of fasting is to go without something to better focus on what we are truly hungering for spiritually. And that thought really connects with me right now.

What is satisfying me?

I feel like I have been trying to satisfy my hunger with things I know won’t ultimately satisfy me. And one of those things is social media. I am a very social person, and what originally drew me to social media years ago was interacting with people. I also love words so it’s an abundance of words and people, which couldn’t be more perfect for me! ?

Over time I have found that I can go to social media in ways that aren’t helpful for me. Like comparing my everyday life with everyone’s highlight reel. (We wrote more about that here.) Like checking out of my life because I’m a little bored and want to see something more thrilling than my reality of playing house. Like wanting to post perfect pictures when in reality, life feels far from it.  Like scrolling at night when everyone’s finally asleep and realizing too much time has passed in the mindless surfing…and then realizing none of the scrolling actually added much to my life.

I still enjoy social media. I enjoy seeing the cute pictures of my friends’ kids and I enjoy reading about some of the thoughts of people I admire. But if I’m super honest, I’m realizing I have been using social media to satisfy something that it is not intended to satisfy. Or maybe I’m not looking for it to satisfy me, but at least distract me.

What does this have to do with Lent?

So back to Lent… I read this quote and felt it confirmed so much of what I’ve been feeling: “Each one of us lives with needs—physical needs and the need for love, security, and community—that we often bury or try to hide by filling our lives with ‘stuff’ and relationships that can never really make us happy or give us peace. And so, Lenten fasting means that we set aside those things with which we self-medicate so that we can be free to recognize what our real hungers and desires are—including our desire for God. Only God can truly satisfy the deepest desires and needs of our hearts.” 

And then I read Henri Nouwen’s words and it further explained why I was connecting with Lent: “Lent is a time of returning to God. It is a time to confess how we keep looking for joy, peace, and satisfaction in many people and things surrounding us, without really finding what we desire. Only God can give us what we want…Lent is a time of refocusing, of reentering the place of truth and reclaiming our true identity.”

Returning to God. Refocusing. Reclaiming my identity. All of that put words to what I have been needing. Lent is a time to put aside the things that may be distracting me from digging deeper into my relationship with Him. It’s time to embrace the grace God gives me and put aside striving to perform or being productive to earn God’s love.

As I began pondering this shift I realized I could so easily make this about my works instead of my heart. I could easily focus on changing my behavior for 40 days instead of a change growing in my heart. After all, I’m the girl that really excelled at sticker charts when I was younger. ? But at the same time, what if I don’t excel at this shift? What if I find myself falling back into my old pattern of scrolling? I keep hearing God remind me in my heart, Lent has nothing to do with behavior modification and everything to do with inviting more of God into my heart. He doesn’t expect perfection or production out of me, only a heart tuned into Him.

What if instead of focusing on what discipline I can muster up, I shift to asking the Holy Spirit to fill me in these 40 days? What if I asked Him to help me stay tuned into the ways I look to other things to satisfy or distract me?

That doesn’t mean making disciplined decisions isn’t a good focus for Lent. After all, Galatians 5 says that one of the ways we know that the Holy Spirit’s presence  is in our lives is through self-control.  But just fasting from something in and of itself isn’t going to produce self-control. Instead of cutting out social media or sugar or wine, what if Lent was a time for me to invite the Holy Spirit into my life in a deeper way by eliminating some of the things that may be distracting me from doing that?

What about the blog?                                                                                                      

As I began thinking about this idea of fasting from social media for Lent so I can quiet the noise around me and make more space to hear from God, one major excuse kept coming to my mind: our blog. We have been daily posting on our blog’s social media pages as a way to consistently connect to our readers.

And yep, you guessed it. Once I identified the reason for why I couldn’t go off social media, I realized I needed to.

For me, Lent has become a time for me to lay down some of the things that become all-consuming so that I can give that space back to God. To “cease [my] endless striving” (Psalm 46:10) and hold onto the truth that I don’t need to do anything to earn God’s unconditional love and grace. ?

What does this mean?

We have had many conversations as a team and have decided for the next 40 days of Lent we are going to take a break. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Many of us on the team have been working really hard on this blog for almost three years without much of a break at all. And though we’ve loved this project, we are feeling the need to step away for a time to make space to hear from God.

We would love to invite you, this wonderful mom community, to pray with us for fresh vision in our own lives and in the blog. We will miss posting these next 40 days, but we look forward to gaining new insight in the time away.

In the meantime, we want to leave you with a few Lent and Easter resources for you and your kids. Check out our “Truth to Inhale” below for lots of ideas.

What does this mean for you?

As I sign off, I’m curious if reading these words stirred anything in you. Is there something God is asking you to give up for a time so that you can better hear from Him? Or grow closer to Him? Again, it’s not about the “giving up” but it’s about the intent of pushing aside the clutter to embrace more of Him. ?

Please share below if you have any thoughts. We love love love hearing from you all. It’s such encouragement to us! ?

? Michelle

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV)
  • “ …fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” (Hebrews 12:2 NIV)
  • “Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10 NASB)
  • “That is why the Lord says, ‘Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts.’” (Joel 2:12 NLT)

Music to inspire you:

  • “There Is No Striving” by Rita Springer
  • “Cease Striving” by Laura Angel
  • “Be Still My Soul: In You I Rest” by Kari Jobe
  • “Fix My Eyes” by For King and Country
  • “By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

  • “Fasting is a way of denying ourselves the excesses of life so that we might be more attuned to the Lord’s voice. It is also a way of disciplining yourself, strengthening your “spiritual muscles” so to speak, so that when temptations arise in life, you are already used to saying “no” to your desires.” by Sarah Phillips on Crosswalk.com 
  • How I Learned the Purpose of Lent by Leah Coith 

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

  • Reading the Easter Story with the Jesus Storybook Bible 
  • Using Resurrection Eggs at Easter 
  • Our Easter Box Tradition 
  • Unscrambling Easter for our Kids

Living Out the Truth

Ideas to try:

  • Set up reminders on your phone throughout the day to stop and pray. Maybe start slowly with one reminder at breakfast. Let the alarm remind you to praise God and thank Him for a single specific blessing in your life (ex. A warm home, comfortable bed, husband, each child, the warmer weather that will one day arrive 😉 etc…Change the reminders to keep it fresh.  
  • Check out a fasting devotional on YouVersion. Some are related to food and some are more general such as our speech.
  • Consider the question: What is one small shift you could make during Lent?

Treasured Products we love:

  • Make Room: A Child’s Guide to Lent and Easter by Laura Alary
  • The Final Days: A Lent Study by Sacred Holidays by Becky Kiser

(Disclaimer: We know Lent may have officially started but who says you can’t start midway through (and if you’re doing it with your kids, they will never know!)? If you’re looking for something to prepare your heart for Easter, check those resources out!)

{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

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We don’t claim to have motherhood figured out. Actually quite the opposite. We’re a group of women who first and foremost love the Lord and want to honor Him with our lives and talents. And we decided that what better way for us to sort out this beautiful and messy thing called motherhood but to process it together in text messages? Our prayer is that as we share our real-life stories and honest experiences, every mom who visits our blog will receive tangible truth and experience real grace.

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