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Tag Archives: friendship

Owner of a Lonely Heart

11 / 11 / 19
Virginia

I’m really proud of how brave I was today…;)

Katie

Let’s hear it! What did you do?

Virginia

I asked a mom for her phone number – a stranger, mind you – at the indoor playground because I didn’t want her to ‘get away.’ Our kids were all playing so well together – you know when you can see the magic happening? I didn’t want to let that go. Haha.

Katie

Ha, I do know what you mean!! Good for you, seizing that moment. I feel like it’s really not easy meeting other moms. Why is it so hard to make mom friends?

Virginia

I don’t know. Friendships seemed so easy when we were kids. I don’t want to admit this but I get lonely sometimes.

Katie

I think every mom can relate to that. And, yet, no one ever talks about it. No one warned me before I had kids how lonely it can be as a mom.

Virginia

Yeah, me neither. I don’t want people to see me as desperate or clingy so I just say I’m fine when I’m really not and need people.

Katie

Yep, I get that. I do the same thing.

Virginia

Sometimes it’s situational – when I have sick kids and playdates are out because you’ll infect others – job hazard. ? Although it doesn’t take long before I feel like I’m going downhill emotionally.

Katie

I feel ya. Sometimes schedules just don’t mesh. So much of my life revolves around taking care of my little people and getting them where they need to go. It doesn’t leave much time for meeting up with friends.

Virginia

Yes! What’s tough for me is that we just moved here 2 ½ years ago. I had to make all new friends and that takes time. If I’m having a really rough day, I just want to run to someone who knows me well so I don’t have to explain everything. My “tribe” is scattered around the Southeast. And anyway, tribe is such a buzzword these days.

Katie

It sure is! “Find your tribe!” Easier said than done I think. Because, sometimes, I can be surrounded by lots of people but still feel lonely because I don’t really feel known or understood by anyone. I hear all these stories about women who are lifelong best friends, who just do everything together and are always there for each other. It sounds amazing and wonderful and exactly what I want … and then I start wondering if there is something wrong with me that I don’t have those one or two lifelong bffs …

Virginia

There is nothing wrong with you – you’re amazing! It’s culture’s expectations. It’s a nice fantasy because I want it too, but I don’t know how often that really happens.

Katie

The moms group at my church actually had a meeting last year called “Find Your Tribe,” where a panel of moms spoke about finding fellowship and building friendships. What one mom shared really stood out to me. She said friendships can ebb and flow and change with our seasons of life and motherhood. And that it is ok. And to embrace that.

Virginia

That’s good to remember. It’s like when half of your single friends disappear when you get married, or was that just me? Lol. Entering motherhood certainly opened up a whole new world for me. Of course you can’t base an entire friendship on comparing formula and diaper brands but we have to start somewhere.

Katie

Ha! Yes! And sometimes friendships change because of a cross-country move. Or starting a new job. Or kids starting school. Or whatever. When I feel a friendship starting to shift, my instinct is usually to kind of pull back from everyone and isolate myself.

Virginia

That makes sense. It’s like you’re protecting yourself from even more hurt.

Katie

Right. But, of course it isn’t helpful. I feel lonely, so I isolate myself, which leads to feeling more lonely and isolating myself more. It can become a cycle that is hard to break out of.

Virginia

When that happens, I am brave sometimes, like I was with that mom at the indoor playground. I have to get outside of myself. I have to make an effort, especially when I don’t feel like it.

Katie

It’s so hard, but it is so true!

Virginia

It is SO hard!

Katie

I have to be willing to take the first step. Send a text to invite other moms to meet up at a park with the kids. Go to the women’s event at church, even if I’m tired and would rather sit in my pajamas on the couch after I put the kids to bed. Join that moms group, even if I don’t know anyone there yet.

Virgnia

I agree. We have to break the cycle, although I’m secretly hoping the other mom will cancel so I don’t have to step outside my comfort zone; it’s just so cozy in there. ?

Seriously though, there have also been times I’ve received the invitation. Remember when you invited me over? You made the first move and I was so grateful!

Katie

The kids ran around the house playing and we chatted and worked on some writing projects together. It was so fun!

Virginia

It was! So that’s another part of moving beyond ourselves – there might be a mom on the other end that’s super thankful she didn’t have to do it first. 🙂

Katie

Yes! I think every mom is really longing for friendship, wanting to be known and understood. God made us to live in relationships, not alone. So let’s be the first one to extend an invitation!

Virginia

On that note, I’ll go text my new mom friend. The worst she can say is no.

Katie

Good luck! And if she says no, consider me a ‘yes.’?

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2, NIV)
  • “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17, NIV)
  • “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NIV)
  • “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV)
  • Music to inspire you:

    • “Stained Glass Masquerade” by Casting Crowns
    • “Yes, I Will” by Vertical Worship

    Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

    • Overcoming Loneliness and Building Friendships That Fit message by Holly Furtick
    • Overcoming Loneliness message by Dr. Charles Stanley
    • How to Deal with Loneliness by iMom

    Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

    • Cabin Fever in Mama’s Soul
    • Finding Warmth in the Waiting
    • I Dropped My Friend Ball

    Living Out the Truth

    Ideas to try:

    • Text a friend. Be honest. Tell her how you really feel. If you’re afraid to be that vulnerable, ask her on a coffee date or plan a playdate. Sometimes just having something to look forward to can alleviate some of the pain.
    • Examine how you spend your time: Are you on Facebook all day, being jealous of all the fun you’re not having? Or are you finding ways to serve another mom? Do you someone who would appreciate you reaching out to them? You can even volunteer at church or another social organization if you have limited contact with other adults. Focusing on others can decrease anxiety and loneliness.
    • Find a community. What do you enjoy doing? Is it reading? Find a book club. Exercise? Find or start your own 9am neighborhood walking group. It does take effort but find those like-minded moms to do life with and you just might find a new BFF.

    {These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

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Moms in Progress: Virginia Forste

9 / 19 / 189 / 18 / 18

Anna
Anna

Today we welcome one of our readers, Virginia Forste, to our “Moms in Progress” feature!

Anna
Virginia

Hi everyone! I’m excited to be with you all today. Here’s our family photo session, 2018. It only takes 212 tries to get everyone smiling and looking at the same direction!

Anna
Anna

Only 212? ? Family photos sessions exhaust me just thinking about them. But obviously yours was all worth it because this is a great pic! Now tell us a little bit about your family.

Anna
Virginia

My husband, Robbie and I celebrated our 11th anniversary in June. We have a 4-year old son named Cole and a 3-year old daughter named Hannah. Having children 21 months apart is great; a lot of the time they play well together. Part of the time they enjoy “physical disagreements.” My son is silly, sweet, athletic and adventurous. My daughter is very attached to mama which I thoroughly enjoy most of the time; have you ever tried to tie your shoes while someone sits in your lap? ?  Besides being a true mama’s girl, my daughter is silly, helpful and curious. In other words, life can be quite chaotic or it can be an absolute joy. My daughter admires my son greatly and therefore knows a lot more about construction and transportation vehicles than I did, until I actually learned about them alongside him when he turned two. Hannah is not opposed to princess-y things and I am willingly brainwashing her with multiple things Disney. I know they are not perfect; I have more than a few stories as proof, but I am choosing to dwell on the positives. I can only imagine the comments they’ll make about me in the future. Oh boy.

Anna
Anna

Haha! Well, you’re one smart lady for dwelling on the positives!

So tell us, do you wear any other hats in addition to your [big, gigantic, hugely significant] mom hat?

Anna
Virginia

No, right now I’m in the season of “just Mom.” I do casually sell Plexus wellness products. I no longer bug my friends but I am happy to share. I joined the company because I had a lot of digestive issues and they have greatly improved that situation.

Anna
Anna

That’s good to hear. I’ve heard a lot of good things about Plexus!

So I love asking other moms this question: What is your current favorite book, podcast, or blog?

Anna
Virginia

I recently read and recommend To Love, Honor and Vacuum by Sheila Gregoire. Any book or YouTube video by Jon Acuff is entertaining (check out “Booty God Booty”); I can relate to his appreciation of 90s R&B, and although he takes Jesus seriously, he does not take Christian living seriously. I listen to Andy Stanley’s Northpoint Church sermons on a regular basis.

Anna
Anna

I’ve been thinking about reading that book! So thanks for the recommendation! All good stuff.

What is your favorite mom product?

Anna
Virginia

I found a visor hat (Amazon, of course) that has an enormous brim which is great for any outdoor adventure. It’s comically large, but I’m not embarrassed. After all, I’d hate for it to detract from my fanny pack. Don’t let the random company name dissuade you. I wear this thing all the time. Go for it, be wild. No sunburn on your nose! 

Anna
Anna

I love it!! Stuff moms need to survive!

Next question: What is the last thing you made for dinner?

Anna
Virginia

My creativity disappears by dinnertime. Last night I prepared a personal pizza, four chicken nuggets and baked apples and they shared it all.

P.S. Have you used an air fryer? Best invention ever!

Anna
Anna

No! But I want to! Adding it to my Christmas list now.

Here’s a little deeper question: Share a recent experience that has challenged your mothering.

Anna
Virginia

My son challenges me daily. It’s just funny to say out loud but when you are mothering, raising a human, there are so many areas to train up. So I am trying to change language that we do not say in our home that he repeats from a friend at school, and then minutes later, I’m trying to teach him what to do when he is angry without hitting his sister, and then after that to say “please” and “thank you.” If only I could work on one thing at a time. This is why I have to tell the pediatrician that I only brush my child’s teeth once per day (eh hem…most days…).

Anna
Anna

Right!?! There is only SO much time in one day. I hear ya, girl.

In light of this challenge, what is a victory (small or large) that you could share to encourage other moms who are doing the same thing?

Anna
Virginia

What I can share are resources that are helping me. I enjoy reading, so there are many books I can recommend, like How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen  by Joanna Faber (more resources listed at the bottom of this post). But my real interest is in true crime and psychology. I read so that I can use psychological techniques on my children so that my days do not turn into a true crime.

I believe empathy is a key need of all human beings. If you can’t give at least one utterance of “I’ve been there” or “Oh, that sounds really tough” or “I have felt that way too” to someone else, then understand your relationships will most likely lack depth. You don’t have to pour out your soul and confess your worst sin, but we all want to be reassured we are not alone.

Anna
Anna

So true. I definitely like hearing that I’m not the only one in a certain situation. And that’s a good tip for moms who may be wondering why their friendships are lacking something. It takes a bit of vulnerability.

OK, now my favorite question: What is the funniest thing your kids have said or done recently?

Anna
Virginia

About a few months ago, after I finished the dishes I went upstairs to check on my children. It was that mischief-making quiet. I opened the bathroom door and they had diaper cream all over their faces and the bathroom. I was so furious. My son said, “We’re zombies!” I wonder, will he be a makeup artist in the future? Thankfully, my husband later complimented him on his creativity. This is why two parents are required; hopefully they aren’t going to be full of rage at the same time.

Anna
Anna

YES! That is the hope.? Love it. I hope you took pictures. 

Do you have any general words of encouragement for other moms in the trenches like you?

Anna
Virginia

When you are so angry that homicide starts to look appealing, it’s time to lock yourself in the bathroom and text your friends. Accept the encouragement and don’t beat yourself up; that helps no one. Remember we all will have highs and lows, even those moms who appear to have it all together. They’re probably drinking wine or inhaling Nutella in the kitchen during naptime and texting their friends too. I watch silly Saturday Night Live videos. Do what works for you; tension is bad for your relationships and your health.

Anna
Anna

Oh…You make me laugh! But this is so true!!!

One final big question: What has God been teaching you in motherhood or in life?

Anna
Virginia

God has opened my eyes that I have little power and that I must rely on Him for parenting advice and everything else. It’s funny because we moms hear messages all day long, whether from media, family or our own brains. I even tell strangers how to judge me! You should be able to control your children. You should be able to keep the house clean and your family fed during the course of an entire day. You should take care of yourself; put down that coffee cake and exercise! You should be doing daily devotions with your children. You should date your husband once a week. Essentially we are telling ourselves we must be perfect in all facets of life at all times as each small message is reinforced by a sermon we hear or a random comment by a well-meaning friend or family member.

I enjoy watching Dr. Oz. I certainly am interested in hearing “the three herbal supplements that will boost my energy or weight loss!” However, if you applied every bit of advice from each Dr. Oz show, I doubt you would have time to do anything else! 

Anna
Anna

Oh my gosh, yes!! You just can’t do it all. I think many women feel overwhelmed by all the “advice” they see and hear.

Anna
Virginia

You just can’t listen to it all, and more importantly, shouldn’t try to do all of that at the same time.

I am also learning I need to prioritize my parenting. God has brought it to my attention that I need to learn how to deal with own anger in order to teach one of my children how to manage his or her emotions. My son is four; I have had a good run of thinking I was in control of my kids. I’m not throwing my hands up and giving up. I am finally destroying any notions that I am 100% responsible for how these children turn out. In one emotional moment last week, I raised up my children in my head and handed them over to Him. It’s a relief actually. Initially I felt like I had failed, but it’s a smarter choice to turn someone very important and special over to Someone who is all-powerful and all-knowing. God says to each mom, That job I gave you is really tough and I do not expect you to do it alone. Let me help; I’m right here.

Anna
Anna

Such good words to focus on tonight. We have that ever-present Help waiting for us to reach out. Thank you, Virginia, for sharing with us!

Anna
Recommended Resources by Virginia:
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen  by Joanna Faber
Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Free of Me: Why Life is Better When It’s Not About You by Sharon Miller
The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
She’s Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill
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