Okay, I had to write you because I’m having a very guilty mom moment. I totally feel like Ellie is being parented as the second child. That’s an obvious statement but I’m just feeling badly that I don’t feel I am giving her the same attention as I did Sophie.
I’m sitting here nodding my head as I read this. ? I have lots of mom friends that mentioned the same thing, and that is exactly how I feel about Eva. And it doesn’t help that she is my “go with the flow” child so it is easy to forget to give her much attention because Isaiah is always demanding it.
It pains me to think back (and look back, thanks to Timehop ?!) about what I was doing with John when he was Lucy’s age. I was like an A+ parent back then! ?
Ha. I know! ? Ellie’s second birthday is this week and I so I was writing down in her journal (which I haven’t done in many months) about some of her milestones…and I realized that at this age Sophie knew more colors and songs than Ellie does — and it’s not because she’s smarter, it’s because I had more time to teach her those things! ? Is that horrible?
I’m sure your name will be written in the Worst Mothers Ever book… ? Kidding! No, I think it’s totally normal! And I’m right there with ya!
Let’s not even talk about the fact that Lucy’s baby book is sitting at the bottom of my dresser drawer with barely a word written inside. ??
I feel so much better because so is Ellie’s!! ? It’s just such a different game with two (and I can only imagine more than two!!) because your sole focus is not thinking of just that one child’s development but two. And oftentimes the older one gets the majority of your attention. At least that is how it is in our house. I am having to remind myself that Ellie is doing perfectly fine, but I am just having a moment of feeling guilty.
I struggle with this too, especially as I try to be John’s teacher at home. I spend my time planning out his learning activities and I have nothing left to plan things out for Lucy. She’s pretty much just along for the ride. I’m hoping she just absorbs all of the good stuff I’m teaching John. ?
Well, if you think about it, she is not the first kid to have an older sibling… Everyone survives and seems to be just fine. I was a second child and look how I turned out! (Or maybe that is proving the point that you need to pay more attention to your second child! haha ?) My sister-in-law told me something that helped. She said, “Well, Eva has something Isaiah didn’t…an older sibling. And they learn a lot and develop a ton just from having that sibling.”
I agree…when I was pregnant with Lucy and having some major anxiety about having two kids, someone told me, “A sibling is the greatest gift you can give your child.” I’m not sure John feels the same, but I do know that I am giving my kids life experiences that I didn’t have as an only child.
Right! And so far, I have found that to be very true. And I think it gets a little easier the farther they get from the baby stage. I felt like I was neglecting Eva when she was younger but now she has more of her own personality and enjoys things like reading books. So I always make sure to spend one-on-one time with her reading books before bed or something. Guess this is just one more way we get to learn to let it go and give it to God. I know, easier said than done. ?
Yes! I’m finally starting to see what you just mentioned, Desi. As Lucy is getting older, she is developing her own personality and interests, and it makes it far easier to connect with her and get intentional about carving out time just for her.
Thank you for this reassurance. I was talking with Laura the other day and she shared something that really helped too. She asked two of her students why their mom is such a good mom and they said at the same time, “She knows us.” I have been been thinking about that truth and praying about that in my own motherhood.
“She knows us.” I love that. Just like God know us and loves us.
YES! That is such a good connection. When I think about God knowing me, I always think about the cool fact that He knows how many hairs are on my head. Maybe I like that because I lost all my hair when I had cancer, but I really am struck by how much God knows every single thing about me and loves me all the more. Wow.
That’s good. I need to remember that. If He knows me that well, he certainly knows my kids and what they need!
Right. I will never know my kids as intimately as He does but goodness, I pray for a supernatural wisdom from God to know and love them deeply.
God,? help me to find ways to know each of my girls well and to communicate my love to them in a way they can feel…and please help me give grace to myself as a mom when the mom guilt invades.
And help Ellie give me grace that her baby book may never be finished. ??
Soaking in the Truth
Scripture to encourage you:
- “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
- “A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones.” Proverbs 14:30, The Message
- “I am the good Shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep.” John 10: 14-15
- “But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:30,31
Music to inspire you:
Readings to come alongside of you:
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- Hanging Up Our Measuring Sticks by Texting The Truth
- Embracing the Mommy Guilt by Lauren on Scary Mommy
- Cute Mother’s Day Ad Wants You to Say Goodbye to Mom Guilt by Caroline Bologna from the Huffington Post
- Overcoming Mommy Guilt from Crosswalk byJulie Coleman on Crosswalk.com
- “Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Theodore Roosevelt
Living Out the Truth
Ideas to try:
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- Plan “dates” with your children. These don’t have to be anything extravagant or expensive, just set aside some time to spend one-on-one with each child. You could plan something you know they enjoy doing, or ask them what they would like to do. Focus on getting to know your child better away from their siblings and other people. What communicates love to them?
- Let yourself off the hook from being super-mom. You know your limit and to be the best mom you can be, maybe sitting on the couch watching Fixer Upper after your kids go to bed rather than writing in their baby book is the right call.
- Don’t look to the right or the left at what other moms are doing. Do you well. God knew what He was doing giving your kids YOU as their mom. Run in your lane, as Brene Brown says.
{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}
