Yesterday was a no good, very bad, horrible, awful day of parenting for me and I’m feeling guilty and discouraged. ?
Oh sister, that’s three or four days in my week. I am so afraid of messing my kids up that I joke about having a savings account for when they need counseling. Spill it.
It was so bad I just hauled off and screamed at my boys. I put them all in their rooms until I could calm down. That was a good choice at least. But I don’t like this person who comes out of my mouth when I’m feeling this way.
I’m with you. It is SO DIFFICULT to think of productive words when the fuse gets lit and you need to do something to end the craziness that lit the fuse.
I say things like “You’re driving me crazy” or “You never listen to me!” Writing this now makes me realize a lot of what I say when I’m feeling so angry is about me…
Wow, interesting observation. What ignited the fuse yesterday?
They were just being wild. I asked them to stop and they didn’t. And it irked me. I think it’s a combination of my need for control or calm and my concern that the wild behavior will lead to someone getting hurt.
I seriously cannot think straight when my kids are loud, rambunctious and all talking (or whining) at once. ?
I also plain don’t like it when I have clearly asked them to do something and they don’t respond. Not even, “in a minute mommy;” I’m talking they just continue playing as if I didn’t speak! But after I yell at them I wonder if I’ve harmed their little hearts by shouting at them like that? I feel so guilty.
Oh no, not guilt for lunch again. You described my house exactly. I am wired for guilt: a perfectionist who gets angry with her kids when they push the limits and cross my boundaries.
Yes… boundaries crossed. Fuse lit. Can’t think straight to set clear and reasonable or age appropriate consequences. Yelling. Sad kids. Guilty Mama…
Ditto… You think there is a better way?
I hope so because my anger does not bring us closer and it obviously doesn’t change their behavior and I don’t even feel good about it afterward, so something needs to go! It doesn’t help us stay strong and connected as a family either.
What could you try differently?
Great question. Maybe being able to identify what makes me so angry might help me get a handle on the anger before I lose it. Then I can know what to do or say before I’m bubbling over with anger. Because what am I teaching them when I let their actions control my emotions? That it’s ok for them to lose control of theirs?
Gulp. I have caught myself disciplining my kids for doing things they have observed me doing. I want to push pause in those moments and have the time to grow and change, but life keeps going and I have to deal with my imperfect parenting while they keep observing it.
I totally get that. I’m imperfect, they’re imperfect. And yet we have been put together by God as a family. When we mess up, we need to rely on something bigger than our imperfections to build us back up and make us a stronger family unit.
Put together. For a purpose. To glorify God. He’s not expecting perfection from us. He wants to help us to be stronger… together. Good stuff.
If I let the anger and guilt fester, it’s never going to change. But if I can remember the goal is mended relationships, then I can practice #strongforgiveness.
I’m not saying I don’t need to work on why I got angry… I do, but that’s going to take time. So in the meantime, what do I do after a blowup?
Ask for forgiveness. Sometimes it’s easier than other times. Either way you and your kids are experiencing real life and real forgiveness together.
That is the best way to redeem our angry moments. Receive what we don’t deserve… from the ones we love the most.
I forget that God gives me a blank slate every morning. He is not counting yesterday against me. Only I do that.
Right.
And we are NOT going to give up on this parenting journey because we know how valuable it is to us, to our kids and to the glory of God to let His strong forgiveness redeem the guilt and anger. #bemomstrong
Oh, what a way to make the no good, very bad, terrible moments slip away into the forgotten past!
Tea parties, popcorn and ice cream help at our house, too!
Can I come?
Please do!
Soaking in the Truth
Scripture to encourage you:
- “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’” (Lamentations 3:22-24, NIV)
- “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20, NIV).
- “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!” (Proverb 15:23, NLT)
- “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.” (Proverbs 29:22, NIV)
- “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV)
Music to inspire you:
- Be Thou My Vision
- Fear is a Liar By Zach Williams
- Even If By MercyMe
Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:
- Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake I (Laura) have just started reading this book and I find it very very helpful so far. It’s making me think about what makes me angry and why and then I can work on my own heart first. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to be a more patient example to my kids of how to manage my emotions.
- Podcast (Part 1 of 2) by the authors of Triggers.
- Part 2 of Podcast by the authors of Triggers.
- I (Courtnee) took a long look at how anger plays out in my life by participating in a small group with Celebrate Recovery. It was an amazing season of God growing and changing me through a safe, confidential community of women who were also being honest and vulnerable about issues in their lives. We grew very close. I still talk and pray with one of the friends I made. Celebrate Recovery is a “large umbrella” 12 Step program to help a limitless number of issues. It is a biblical and balanced program effective in helping people overcome their hurts, hang-ups and habits.
- Wise Words for Moms Chart: A calendar shaped chart that helps you prayerfully address your children’s behavior with wisdom from Scripture, good questions and possible consequences that fit the behavior.
- Short Video: Falling Plates: A creative video contemplating our relationship with God who can restore and redeem all our mistakes.
Related Posts on Texting The Truth:
Living Out the Truth
Ideas to try:
- A prayer for wisdom. Dear Jesus, please empower us to seek you in our worst moments of mothering when we feel gross and ugly and we have no idea how to parent our kids. Protect us from falling into despair. Heavenly Father, please lead us gently to the next step. You know how we want to have it all figured out and under control and we get paralyzed. Help us trust you to lead us to the next step, like a mountain climber carefully choosing his footholds one at a time. Help us wait and help us choose. Please light our paths. And we trust You that even through our imperfect parenting you are raising up these children to be the Jesus-loving men and women you have created them to be. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
- A prayer for change. Heavenly Father, please show me how to do life differently. I don’t want to parent from anger or with anger any longer. Lead me to the relationships and resources that will specifically help me develop new tools and pathways for handling my kids when they anger me. Help me to hide your Word in my heart so that I am ready with gentle answers, wise words and self control. Thank you that as I submit to you day by day, you are making me into the mom you uniquely designed me to be. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
- Try keeping an anger journal. One where you write what made you angry and exactly how you felt. Then over time, you can figure out what makes you the most angry. Or maybe even if there is a certain time of day (or time of the month), so that you can try to do things differently during those times.
- If you know things need to change, find a friend and ask them to read one of the books listed above together or just be a prayer and accountability partner.
{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}
