If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked me what sports my kids do, I’d be able to fund one of them for an entire season of select soccer.
I know, right?!?
Not that my oldest is good enough or wants to play on any sort of select team! I mean his first season of rec soccer was… how do I say this… sad? There was a big 0 in the win column!
Oh man…. Well, it happens sometimes!
But he did have fun! And that’s what matters, right?! But I haven’t even started my almost 5-year-olds in a sport yet, and I think some people think I’m doing my children a huge disservice!?! Sigh… am I?
I don’t know… I mean, why all the pressure to have kids excel at a sport by age 8? I mean, I get it. We want them to be able to keep up later and build on their skills, but aren’t there more important things?
You mean like having fun together as a family or saving those nickels for college (or groceries… just saying… four boys can eat a lot)?
Ha–I can only imagine! And like having down time, and time to do chores, and help Mom cook dinner, and help Dad fix the car. I mean, those are skills too, but we never have time to do those things.
Exactly! There’s so many things we want to teach our kids. And back to the pressures thing…there are so many pressures on them at school with tests and everything else! And then we as parents seem to expect them to be perfect little athletes too?
I think we do, unintentionally. We want them to be shining stars at all they do. 
Because if my kids are good at things, then in theory, other kids will like them and then their life will be happier and easier! Right? And, let’s not lie, when our kids are doing well, we look great as parents too!
Right. I mean parents have good intentions. We just want our kids to be successful. But how are we measuring that success? I wonder sometimes if we get out the wrong measuring stick.
Good point. I think I’m very guilty of putting pressure on my kids to behave a certain way. It’s sort of the same thing. There is a much better way to determine who these little ones are than successes and outward appearances!
I’m also guilty of it! I care way too much sometimes what people think! And that my kids are measuring up or doing the same things as other kids. I never thought I would do that as a parent.
Me either. I don’t know how we got here, but you know what? We don’t have stay here!
That’s a relief. So how do we help our kids grow up with a different understanding about who they are? #thetruthaboutgrowingup
I think we start with the simple truth about who we are, right? We are beloved creation of the Most High God. And it’s the same for my kids! Because I just want my kids to know they are loved for who they are and not what they do. I’ve been down that road personally, of trying to do something to be loved. It didn’t lead anywhere good.
Me too. And you can succeed for a minute, but it never ends up being enough. And people or circumstances can take away your success. And then what? You’re left wondering who you are. I want my kids to know that who they are, the value they have, that’s not something that anyone can take away from them.
They are gifted in just the way God wants them to be gifted. And those gifts might make them good at something. And they might even be on a select team someday. Or maybe play the lead in our favorite musical! ? But all the successes or failures do not equal their worth.
Yes–1,000 times yes. And as a mom, I want to be secure enough and brave enough to let my children grow at their own pace, with their unique interests, and be whoever God has designed them to be. Not who I picture them to be. Or who my friends’ kids are. But I want to watch with faith as they grow up.
Soaking in the Truth
Scripture to encourage you:
- “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7, NIV)
- “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;” (Jeremiah 1:5, NIV)
- “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. Bet we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3:1-2, NIV)
Music to inspire you:
- “He Knows My Name” by Francesca Battistelli
- “Every Bit of Lovely” by Jamie Grace
Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:
- We have to be secure in who we are before we can teach our kids to be the same way. I love this article: “Be Who God Created You to Be” by Shauna Neiquist
- Read more about “How to Help Your Youth Find Their Identity in Christ” from Ministry Today.
Four things to teach our kids about their identity and value:
God created them on purpose in His image.
God’s love does not fail, nor does it change towards them.
God genuinely cares about the details of their lives.
God created them with a purpose.
Related Posts on Texting The Truth:
- Decluttering Our Spiritual Closets
- Hanging Up Our Measuring Sticks
Living Out the Truth
Ideas to try:
- When failures come–a bad grade, a missed soccer goal, not making the musical, a call from the teacher–in the end, reassure him/her of who he/she is in God, His love, and that they are a beautiful creation.
- I try not to compare one child to another, or one sibling with another one.
- When they start to compare themselves, or get down on themselves, I say something like, “Good for them, but YOU are a whole different person. There’s only one of you, and you are amazing.”
- I try to let my kids know what I love about them aside from their activities. I love that they are kind or caring toward each other or toward their friends. I love that when they are excited about something they jump up and down. Whatever it is. I try to tell them at night before they go to bed something that I love about their character, their personality, or maybe something they did because of that trait that they have.
- I have signs posted on their bedroom doors that say, “We love [name] because he is [name].”
- When suffering consequences as toddlers, my boys always asked me if I still loved them. I was shocked by this question when my oldest asked it, but wasn’t as caught off guard when the twin started asking it. I’m sure the little guy will wonder the same thing. At first my answer was, of course I do, but….. However I’ve tried to change my words. There isn’t really a but there. And there isn’t a but in how God feels about me or my kids when we have gone wrong. Or when we have done something well there isn’t I love you because you did well. I try to phrase it differently. You made a mistake and the consequences are hard to suffer, but I’m here for you because I love you. Or great job playing basketball out there! You really gave it your all! And if you didn’t, I’d still love you!
{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}
As a homeschool parent, I sometimes feel uncomfortable if one of my kids is only achieving average grades in a subject, as if people will judge ME and my ability to teach if my kids don’t excel academically. Then there is the occasional grilling on “socialization,” mostly by public-school educators of our acquaintance. If people like that were to meet my oldest son first, they would be pleased with our efforts at socialization; he’s personable, presents himself well, and is obviously comfortable with who he is. My youngest is also outgoing, at least most of the time; she can have her self-conscious, clammed-up moments at awkward times. My middle child, well, he’s not comfortable meeting new people, or in large groups; he’s socially awkward and has some sensory issues. I know public school wouldn’t “fix” that, but I can still be bothered by others’opinions.
Thanks for reminding parents that each of us, our children included, is uniquely created to fulfill God’s purpose in his or her own way.
You’re welcome! And I can totally relate. It’s hard when you feel like you or your kids are being judged in some way. I tend to feel defensive. But I think it’s so freeing when I refocus on the truth of who we are and that God has a unique purpose!
Thanks for sharing, Melinda!
My goal as a parent is to place my kids in environments that foster growth. Valuing them is huge! Thanks for this.
That’s a great goal, Chelsea! Every time we put them into a new environment, I think that’s a great question to ask ourselves: Is this a place for them that will foster growth? Thanks for that!