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Tag Archives: communication

How to Help Your Child Get to Know the Special Needs Student in Their Classroom

8 / 27 / 188 / 28 / 18

Maybe they’ve just started, or maybe they’re gearing up to begin- either way, the back-to-school season is officially upon us?.

I’ve been on both sides of the desk now – as first a teacher, and now the parent – and when a sweet boy pointed to my son this summer and asked me very genuinely why he couldn’t walk, what surprised me most was that I was completely and utterly unprepared to answer.

What’s the right way to explain something like that to a little one? What’s the “appropriate” response??‍♀️

And here I was, sitting in the most important role of all – Mom!

In relaying that story to other mom friends, it’s consistently apparent that we all want the same thing – to plant seeds of inclusion and love in the hearts of our children??…but we could all use a little direction in doing so.

While listening to a podcast by “Risen Motherhood,” I was recently reminded that not talking about all of the ways God makes us different can also have an unintentional, opposite effect, whereby we inadvertently teach our children that differences are not something we talk about ?. It’s completely natural for our children to be curious about the discrepancies they see in the world around them ?. All they want is to understand, and it’s our job as parents to help them on that journey??.

So… as Mom now to two young boys myself, one typical and one with significantly disabling special needs, here’s what I want you to know:

1.)  I want your child to ask questions. Whether privately to Mom and Dad, or waiting in line at the grocery store for all to hear?? (because isn’t that how it always happens?‍), we want you to have those conversations. We want you to understand the heart of the little boy who sits in the wheelchair. Because, our little guy? He’s sweet, silly, and a serious fighter. ?

It’s easy for all of the qualities that make him so very *special* to be overshadowed by the soft helmet that he sometimes wears, the sensory manipulatives he’s chewing, the bottle he still drinks at almost 4–years-old, the sky-blue glasses that frame his face, the braces supporting his little legs, or the wheelchair that sits beneath him.

It’s ok if your child wants to stare ? as they take it all in. It can be a lot for a little mind to process!? Rest assured, we will not be offended. In fact, quite the opposite. In this politically correct society, I understand wholeheartedly how the fear of saying, or doing, something offensive so often leads us to refrain from engagement altogether. But everyone has a story, and we’d love to share a little more of ours with you.

2.)  Individuals with special needs are not to be ignored or avoided, no matter how “out of it” they may appear to be. That being said, we understand that engagement can sometimes be tricky – especially if the student in your child’s classroom is nonverbal, as my son is. The most important thing I can say here, is that even when an individual is not able to respond much conversationally they might still be able to understand a great deal. Encourage your child to talk to a new friend/classmate with the assumption that he or she understands everything. Whether or not they respond? That may vary – but they will appreciate it, and they just might surprise you.

Whenever we drive in the car?, I make a point of telling each of my boys that I love them. As I get to O, his twin brother emphatically replies, each and every time ?, “He’s not saying it back, Mom!” to which my response is always the same: “That’s ok! I know he’s thinking it.” This is usually met with a resounding, happy “Aaaaahhhhh!” from my little O in the back seat– and that’s response enough for me.

3.)  If there is a student in your child’s classroom with special needs who is able to verbalize without difficulty, encourage your child to engage in friendly conversation with them as they would any other friend. A child with physical disabilities may be feeling self-conscious about their differences?, particularly at the beginning of a new school year. A friendly “Hello” and a smile? might be all that’s needed to break the ice, and help everyone feel more comfortable.

4.)  Encourage your child to ask the teacher how to best relate to their new peer. They might have some tangible advice to offer. For example, my son’s visual impairment only allows him to see 2-4 feet in front of him– something that you would never know just by looking at him.

What are some of his/her interests? O’s twin brother knows that peek-a-boo is one of his very favorite games, so periodically he’ll pick up a blanket so that they can have fun together. Do I expect him to constantly include O in everything he’s doing? Certainly not – they’re two very different little people. But does my heart completely spill over ? when they are able to find those moments of common ground? Absolutely.

5.)  If your child develops a friendship with a new classmate, who also happens to have special needs, don’t shy away from the idea of a play date. Reach out to the child’s parents?. Ask for suggestions as to what might work best for everyone. They will certainly appreciate your thoughtfulness!

6.)  Discuss behaviors that might be troublesome to your child. Head hitting, biting, hair pulling, and yelling out – these are all things that can be very difficult for little ones to process, particularly in the classroom environment. Encourage your child to ask the teacher why a classmate might exhibit such behaviors, and he/she may be able to help them feel more at ease.

For example, my son’s inability to verbalize wants and needs can be very frustrating for him – particularly if we do not understand?. Help your child imagine how that might feel. Sometimes O will bite his arm or yell out when he’s feeling overwhelmed, or excited. Can your child relate to those feelings?

Does the student in your child’s classroom have an adult aide with them during the school day? Why do they think that might be? What can your child do them self, that this new friend might need some extra help accomplishing?

Rather than instilling a sense of sympathy in our children for classmates with special needs, we want to encourage a sense of greater understanding and empathy for another human being – one who, deep down, is a kid just like them.

7.)  It’s a process. Give your child (and yourself!) lots of grace. We don’t want our children to feel it’s their obligation to befriend every individual with special needs who crosses their path. We do want to imprint their little hearts with the notion that God’s fingerprints are on everyone they encounter. Day by day, they can learn a little more about new friends who might initially be harder to understand. Day by day, they’ll learn that differences aren’t so much scary, as they are a reminder that God’s plan for each of us is different.

Last week, my son’s teacher sent home a fabulous list, entitled, “Questions to ask Your Child Beyond ‘How Was Your Day?’” I had admired similar lists when I’d seen them before, and this particular one was adorned with inquiries like, “What made you happy today?” and “What was most challenging?”

So, Mama – here’s my request. When you’re questioning your child about their school day, can I ask you to include just one more? ??

Have you asked them about the special needs student(s) in their classroom??

From one Mama heart to another?, trust me when I say that my child – and yours – will thank you for it.

And this Mama? Well, she certainly thanks you, too.
?Jen

{Please Note: This advice represents the opinion of only one special needs parent, who is still humbly trying to figure things out as she goes. While reference is made to a few of my son’s specific disabilities, it is my hope that all Mamas of special children – of all forms and degrees of disability – might find themselves represented here. }

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14).
  • “His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned’, said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the works of God may be displayed in him’” (John 9: 2-3).
  • “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I sanctified you (Jeremiah 1:5).

Music to inspire you:

  • Different, by Micah Tyler  
  • Fingerprints of God, but Steven Curtis Chapman 
  • You Raise Me Up, by Josh Groban (BYU Vocal Point A Cappella Cover) 

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

  • “Risen Motherhood” Podcast – Transcript, Episode 89: Trillia Newbell-Helping Our Kids Celebrate God’s Beautifully Diverse Design 
  • How to Be Friends with a Special Needs Mom: 10 Ways to Encourage and Support 
  • Children’s Books About Empathy

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

  • What’s Your Challenge?
  • What’s in Your Backpack?
  • Strong Kids

Living Out the Truth

Ideas to try:

  • Here’s an idea that a few of my former colleagues used, and I loved: Read the book Only One You, by Linda Kranz. Go on a hike or a scavenger hunt in the backyard, and find a rock to represent each member of the family. This could also be a fun sleepover or play date activity! Have each child or family member paint their rock with things that they love. Display them in your garden, a vase, or in the classroom as a visual reminder that there is incredible beauty in individuality. 
  • Check out some of these great book suggestions with your kids:  1.) Books about Kids with Special Needs    2.)  Books about Being Different

 

Treasured Products we love:

  • Everybody, Always, by Bob Goff
  • Gigi, God’s Little Princess, by Sheila Walsh
  • Hide ‘Em in Your Heart, by Steve Green
  • The Care and Keeping of YOU, by Valorie Schaefer

{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more.

In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

 

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What Do You Expect: Honest Thoughts on Marriage

2 / 12 / 182 / 16 / 18

Michelle
Michelle

I walked by our wedding photo today hanging in our bedroom and I laughed. We look so well-rested and totally unaware of how crazy life would be ten years in!! ?

Michelle
Katie

Haha! You mean on your wedding day you weren’t exhausted from being awoken every hour the night before by a sick toddler?! ? And when that picture was taken you weren’t having trouble focusing on your spouse because of the noise of four small children running in circles around your living room?! ?

Yeah, I don’t think my husband and I had any idea what we were getting into when we first got married!

Michelle
Michelle

Haha. Exactly! When we got married, I kinda thought we had marriage figured out since we’d read some good books and had some good counseling (which thinking about it now is truly laughable that I was so naive!).

Michelle
Katie

Us, too! But, really, I don’t think any couple has it all figured out – even after decades of marriage. Maybe marriage isn’t meant to be figured out.?‍  Maybe the goal isn’t reaching some kind of “perfect marriage.”

Michelle
Michelle

That’s so true. Maybe instead of attaining perfect, we strive for connectedness? Staying connected and on the same page is a lot harder than I envisioned and certainly doesn’t always match my pre-marriage idealistic expectations.

Like – my hubby is a very hard worker and so sometimes he has trouble getting home in the evenings at the time I think he should. I envisioned sweet family dinners every night where we talked about our highs and lows..oh, and ate our food calmly. HA. ?  Not so much in our house as of yet.

Michelle
Katie

Those picture-perfect dinners just aren’t a reality at our house every night either! You know, before we got married, I think I kind of assumed my hubby and I would agree on everything. From little things, like what time we’d like to go to bed at night or get up in the morning – to big things, like how to address different situations with the kids … reality is, we just don’t always see eye to eye on those things.

Michelle
Michelle

Glad to hear we aren’t the only ones. ?

Michelle
Katie

When the day-to-day realities in our marriage don’t match the picture I had in my mind of what marriage should look like, that can start to create a barrier between me and my hubby.

Michelle
Michelle

Amen to that, sister. I admit that resentment starts to grow in my heart oftentimes when I’m disappointed over my unmet expectations. I’m definitely guilty of not giving a warm welcome when my hubby comes home late or adding a passive-aggressive comment when he parents in a different way than I expected. (And ugh, putting this in writing shows me how ugly this is!)  

Michelle
Katie

Ouch – I’m guilty of those passive aggressive comments, too. And I’ve learned that sometimes my expectations aren’t met because I don’t communicate them well to my husband. Can’t expect him to know if I don’t tell him! But, sometimes I need to reevaluate my expectations.

Michelle
Michelle

Reevaluate my expectations. YES. I’ve been realizing recently…or maybe I should say God has been gently saying to me…that yes, my hubby may have some areas to own, but I am totally not blameless in how I act either, and like you said, I think I need to take a hard look at my expectations. ?

Michelle
Katie

So when my expectations aren’t met, how can I address my own heart issues before God instead of rushing to blame my husband?

Michelle
Michelle

Such a good question. ?

I hate to admit that I think it’s easier to point out the flaws in my hubby and how he’s failing to meet my expectations – rather than examine my own heart. ?  I’d rather be resentful and mad that he’s home late rather than give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s had a ton going on and trying to get out the door as quickly as he can…

Michelle
Katie

Right. In those moments I do need to give my husband the benefit of the doubt, like I hope he would do for me. Then, I need to take my hurt feelings and unmet expectations to my Father.

Michelle
Michelle

Yes and yes! Have you heard that song “King of My Heart”? There is a line that has really resonated with me recently. It’s talking to God saying, “You’re never gonna let me down.” And I realized that sometimes my hubby is just plain going to let me down because he’s human. And I’m going to let him down. But I feel like God is wanting me to hold tightly to the truth that He will never let me down.?

Michelle
Katie

Yes! I love when we sing that song at church!? And you’re right. My marriage may not look exactly like I thought it would before we got married. My expectations and longings may not all be met through my husband. It’s just not possible for him to meet all my needs (and goodness knows, there is NO way I can meet all his either!). But, God will never let me down. He is always faithful, and He will always provide for my deepest needs.

Michelle
Michelle

For sure. And sometimes I think God allows challenging seasons when we may not totally be connecting with our hubbies to draw us closer to Him and depend completely on Him.

Michelle
Katie

And when I depend completely on Him, I can trust that – whether I can see it in the moment or not – He is always doing a work in me, in my husband, in our kids, and in our family. And He will be faithful to complete it!

Michelle
Michelle

Well, this was a perfectly-timed conversation for me with Valentine’s Day coming up. ?

So what you’re saying is – I need to be honest about my expectations with my hubby on what I may want for the day and if it’s not met, give him the benefit of the doubt and lots of grace? And how about going to God with my heart’s desires first?

Michelle
Katie

Yes! That! And let God fill any empty spaces in my heart. On Valentine’s Day and on the days that follow!

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 2:6, ESV)
  • “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19, ESV)
  • “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen” (Ephesians 3:20-21, NASB)
  • “God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God—the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout; My mountaintop refuge.” (2 Samuel 22:1-3, The Msg)

Music to inspire you:

  • “King of My Heart” by John Mark McMillan 
  • “Broken Together” by Casting Crowns
  • Click here for more song suggestions.

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

  • Don’t Let Bitterness Poison Your Marriage by Sabrina Beasley McDonald
  • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman 
  • For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn 
  • The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn
  • Love and Respect:The Love She Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs 
  • Love and War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage by John and Stasi Eldredge 
  • The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick 
  • The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman 
  • What’s It Like Being Married To Me? by Linda Dillow
  • “Unrealistic expectations are preconceived resentments. They begin a downward spiral that is unhealthy for relationships. Unmet expectations turn into resentments, which turn into bitterness that turns into anger, and ultimately becomes conflict that could have actually been avoided if you had internally moved from unrealistic expectations to realistic ones.” by Jill Savage from Change Your Expectations 

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

  • What I Really Need to Hear On Valentine’s Day 
  • Do You See Me?
  • Whose Side Are You On?
  • Surrendering Our Spouse

Living Out the Truth

Ideas to try:

  • There are so many great ideas in the books we listed above. We have found them helpful in understanding how and why our expectations may be different than our hubbies’ – and how we can best respond to those differences.
  • We’ve learned (the hard way) that when a conflict arises over unmet expectations, it’s best when we take a little time to cool off ourselves and pray before we address the topic with our husbands. But, we’ve also learned to not wait too long to talk it over … or the resentment will start to settle in. Still learning to find that balance in timing!
  • We always include this statement below ? about professional help –  and it is perhaps especially true in the realm of marriage relationships. If we are having difficulty communicating with our spouse or reaching an agreement about expectations, we really benefit from some outside counsel and insight. We speak from personal experience that sometimes you need counsel to help you set you on the right path again.

{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

 

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We don’t claim to have motherhood figured out. Actually quite the opposite. We’re a group of women who first and foremost love the Lord and want to honor Him with our lives and talents. And we decided that what better way for us to sort out this beautiful and messy thing called motherhood but to process it together in text messages? Our prayer is that as we share our real-life stories and honest experiences, every mom who visits our blog will receive tangible truth and experience real grace.

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