Tag Archives: identity

A Time to Tear Down and a Time to Build

There’s nothing like building a gigantic fort in the middle of the family room! Rainy days are perfect for this, and we had a long one just the other day. My three kids went straight to work pulling in chairs, couch cushions, blankets, pillows, and flashlights. They planned and stretched sheets together, sectioning off their “areas,” and bringing in their snacks, books, and loveys.

Later that evening, we all came together in the family room to practice the piano and watch TV… but we couldn’t do anything because of the crumbling fort. It went something like this:

My husband, Ryan: “Kids, it’s time to tear down the fort and put it away.”
Kids: “Nooooo! We can’t do thaaaat!”
Ryan: “Yes. It’s time. You’ve played with it the whole day.”
Kids: “But we caaaaan’t! It’s the best fort we’ve ever made and we’re still playing with it!”
Ryan: “It was a good fort, I know. But we need to use the family room for something else.”
Kids: “Noooo! We love it! We’ll never be able to make one like this again!”
Ryan: “Yes, you will. But for right now, we need to clean up and take care of our house.”

You get the picture. Eventually, the fort was put away and we had a family room to use again.

I started thinking about how whiny my kids are, and how they don’t obey the first time we ask. But in the middle of my sad thoughts, God whispered, This was you, over the past three years.

Well, ouch. The more I thought about it, the more I knew this was exactly true.

A little over three years ago, I found myself physically and spiritually cluttered. I had two jobs, two blogs, three kids, and a host of little volunteer positions. I had a hernia that I was ignoring, a relentless eye twitch, and I hadn’t read a book for fun in years. Every time I started a Bible study, I couldn’t put my full heart into it. I had too much on my plate. I had built fort upon fort upon fort. I like to think I was a “fort collector,” but that’s what all the hoarders say. ?

And my “forts” were GOOD! They were all good and beautiful things. But now (looking back) I know that God was asking me to tear them down. And I didn’t want to. I remember crying to a mentor of mine, saying, “I just don’t know what to give up. I know it’s too much, but I love all of these things that I’m doing.”

So for a year, I maintained all of the “forts” I had up, squished in together, falling apart in some places, but still there. The thought of tearing down a fort that you love is painful and scary. My thoughts were just like my kids’ thoughts: But I still love this. But I’ll never be able to build this again. And one even deeper, more adult thought: But this is part of who I am. Who am I without this?

These kinds of thoughts can stop you dead in your tracks.

However, in my efforts to take care of my forts and my family, I didn’t have any time to devote to taking care of myself.

I’ve been studying the book of Joshua, and it’s like “Journey to the Promised Land, Take Two.” Moses has died, and God has called Joshua to take over and lead the people into the Promised Land after so many years of wandering. God says it is time to move on. He gives Joshua specific instructions about when and where to go, stop, or linger. It is a perfect example of how God leads His people.

God promises to be with them and fight mightily and make miracles happen, but their job is to inquire, listen, and then act on it in obedience. When he says fight, they are to fight. When he says tear down, they are to tear down. When they are to build up, they are to build up. There is a time for everything, and the Lord is telling them what time it is.

I often say, “God’s timing is perfect.” But do I really believe it? It’s hard to act on it when He’s nudging me to tear something down, or build something new, or take on an intimidating battle or journey, like He did with the Israelites. I wonder if they were tempted to settle right there on the east side of the Jordan, and not fight any more battles. I bet they would have had a good, fine life. But God said, “I have another plan. It’s the BEST plan. Will you follow me and trust me?”

Over the next two years of my life, I slowly tore down my forts, one at a time. I sought confirmation from the Lord again and again, to make sure this was right. And He patiently said yes. I can imagine standing next to my kids for THREE YEARS, waiting for them to take down a gigantic fort. I would lose my mind! Ha. ? Fortunately, God is much more patient than I am.

Here I am, with only one fort still left (this blog!), and one new fort. Yes, there is room for something NEW to be built! I am taking better care of my body and spirit these days. I can read an entire book. I’m doing a Bible study with my whole heart invested. I feel like, in a way, the thing that is being built up is me.

I’d like to leave you with these words. Read them slowly and let them sink into your soul:

You are worth being built up.

The time it takes to build into you is a good investment.

God honors what you’ve given out of your emptiness.

“Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day…” (Ephesians 2:22, MSG)

?Anna

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be tear down and a time to build,” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3b, NIV)
  • “He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV)
  • “For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.” (Psalm 107: 9, NIV)
  • “And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.” (Ephesians 2:22, NIV)
  • “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10, NIV)
  • The book of Joshua

Music to inspire you:

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

  • Beautiful in His Time: A New Season
  • Not So “Quiet Time”

    Living Out the Truth

    Ideas to try:

  • Do an inventory of your “forts.” Ask God to show you if there are any that need to be taken down. Maybe a fort needs to stay in your house, but not in your living room.  Maybe a fort needs so major maintenance to be salvaged. Maybe there’s a fort that you need build. Like Joshua, let God lead you through your “house” to find out what needs to be torn down and what needs to be built up in you.  
  • As a mom, I feel like it’s an ever-present challenge to take care of myself. My children are one massive fort that obviously needs to stay put and be continually maintained. I can’t do everything, however, I can section off a space in my “family room” with bright-orange caution tape for just self-care. That’s not being selfish; it’s actually making me a better mom.
  • This was a very hard new habit for me to develop. I’m still working on it. Here’s how I got started:
    • I talked to a couple people that I trusted about how I was feeling–first, my mom and my husband, then some trusted friends.
    • I thought and prayed about what things in my life were draining me. I slowly stepped away from those things. It was not without some tears, but I felt a huge sense of relief afterward.
    • I started looking for little pockets of time that I could steal away for myself, like:
      an early morning coffee and reading/writing time alone on a Saturday morning,
      a 30-minute walk after dinner, or
      a shopping trip by myself.
    • I started allowing myself to not feel guilty about going out with girlfriends for a breakfast or dinner, and leaving my family at home for a little bit.
    • I read 5-Minute Retreats for Moms. There are tons of ideas in there!
    • The next time I took the kids to the library, I picked out a fiction book for myself.
    • I made doctor’s appointments for myself that were long overdue. I bought myself vitamins and started taking them regularly.
    • I found moms to carpool with so I wasn’t spending all my time driving.
  • In Organizing You, Shannon suggests that you take one day per week that you do not clean the house or run errands — instead, it is “You Day.” (Don’t you just love the sound of that?!) She says, “This is the day to set aside some time…to work on things that aren’t so repetitive… You need to schedule some time for things that fill you up and give you joy in the Lord,” (pg 95-97).
  • Swap a day of the week with another mom — maybe she wants an hour to herself too! Or find a teenage neighbor to babysit the kids for two hours a week. Join the Y and take your kids to Child Watch. Be creative to find that self-care time.

  • {These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more. In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}

How to Help Your Child Get to Know the Special Needs Student in Their Classroom

Maybe they’ve just started, or maybe they’re gearing up to begin- either way, the back-to-school season is officially upon us?.

I’ve been on both sides of the desk now – as first a teacher, and now the parent – and when a sweet boy pointed to my son this summer and asked me very genuinely why he couldn’t walk, what surprised me most was that I was completely and utterly unprepared to answer.
What’s the right way to explain something like that to a little one? What’s the “appropriate” response??‍♀️
And here I was, sitting in the most important role of all – Mom!
In relaying that story to other mom friends, it’s consistently apparent that we all want the same thing – to plant seeds of inclusion and love in the hearts of our children??…but we could all use a little direction in doing so.
While listening to a podcast by “Risen Motherhood,” I was recently reminded that not talking about all of the ways God makes us different can also have an unintentional, opposite effect, whereby we inadvertently teach our children that differences are not something we talk about ?. It’s completely natural for our children to be curious about the discrepancies they see in the world around them ?. All they want is to understand, and it’s our job as parents to help them on that journey??.

So… as Mom now to two young boys myself, one typical and one with significantly disabling special needs, here’s what I want you to know:

1.)  I want your child to ask questions. Whether privately to Mom and Dad, or waiting in line at the grocery store for all to hear?? (because isn’t that how it always happens?‍), we want you to have those conversations. We want you to understand the heart of the little boy who sits in the wheelchair. Because, our little guy? He’s sweet, silly, and a serious fighter. ?
It’s easy for all of the qualities that make him so very *special* to be overshadowed by the soft helmet that he sometimes wears, the sensory manipulatives he’s chewing, the bottle he still drinks at almost 4–years-old, the sky-blue glasses that frame his face, the braces supporting his little legs, or the wheelchair that sits beneath him.

It’s ok if your child wants to stare ? as they take it all in. It can be a lot for a little mind to process!? Rest assured, we will not be offended. In fact, quite the opposite. In this politically correct society, I understand wholeheartedly how the fear of saying, or doing, something offensive so often leads us to refrain from engagement altogether. But everyone has a story, and we’d love to share a little more of ours with you.
2.)  Individuals with special needs are not to be ignored or avoided, no matter how “out of it” they may appear to be. That being said, we understand that engagement can sometimes be tricky – especially if the student in your child’s classroom is nonverbal, as my son is. The most important thing I can say here, is that even when an individual is not able to respond much conversationally they might still be able to understand a great deal. Encourage your child to talk to a new friend/classmate with the assumption that he or she understands everything. Whether or not they respond? That may vary – but they will appreciate it, and they just might surprise you.
Whenever we drive in the car?, I make a point of telling each of my boys that I love them. As I get to O, his twin brother emphatically replies, each and every time ?, “He’s not saying it back, Mom!” to which my response is always the same: “That’s ok! I know he’s thinking it.” This is usually met with a resounding, happy “Aaaaahhhhh!” from my little O in the back seat– and that’s response enough for me.
3.)  If there is a student in your child’s classroom with special needs who is able to verbalize without difficulty, encourage your child to engage in friendly conversation with them as they would any other friend. A child with physical disabilities may be feeling self-conscious about their differences?, particularly at the beginning of a new school year. A friendly “Hello” and a smile? might be all that’s needed to break the ice, and help everyone feel more comfortable.
4.)  Encourage your child to ask the teacher how to best relate to their new peer. They might have some tangible advice to offer. For example, my son’s visual impairment only allows him to see 2-4 feet in front of him– something that you would never know just by looking at him.

What are some of his/her interests? O’s twin brother knows that peek-a-boo is one of his very favorite games, so periodically he’ll pick up a blanket so that they can have fun together. Do I expect him to constantly include O in everything he’s doing? Certainly not – they’re two very different little people. But does my heart completely spill over ? when they are able to find those moments of common ground? Absolutely.

5.)  If your child develops a friendship with a new classmate, who also happens to have special needs, don’t shy away from the idea of a play date. Reach out to the child’s parents?. Ask for suggestions as to what might work best for everyone. They will certainly appreciate your thoughtfulness!
6.)  Discuss behaviors that might be troublesome to your child. Head hitting, biting, hair pulling, and yelling out – these are all things that can be very difficult for little ones to process, particularly in the classroom environment. Encourage your child to ask the teacher why a classmate might exhibit such behaviors, and he/she may be able to help them feel more at ease.

For example, my son’s inability to verbalize wants and needs can be very frustrating for him – particularly if we do not understand?. Help your child imagine how that might feel. Sometimes O will bite his arm or yell out when he’s feeling overwhelmed, or excited. Can your child relate to those feelings?
Does the student in your child’s classroom have an adult aide with them during the school day? Why do they think that might be? What can your child do them self, that this new friend might need some extra help accomplishing?

Rather than instilling a sense of sympathy in our children for classmates with special needs, we want to encourage a sense of greater understanding and empathy for another human being – one who, deep down, is a kid just like them.
7.)  It’s a process. Give your child (and yourself!) lots of grace. We don’t want our children to feel it’s their obligation to befriend every individual with special needs who crosses their path. We do want to imprint their little hearts with the notion that God’s fingerprints are on everyone they encounter. Day by day, they can learn a little more about new friends who might initially be harder to understand. Day by day, they’ll learn that differences aren’t so much scary, as they are a reminder that God’s plan for each of us is different.

Last week, my son’s teacher sent home a fabulous list, entitled, “Questions to ask Your Child Beyond ‘How Was Your Day?’” I had admired similar lists when I’d seen them before, and this particular one was adorned with inquiries like, “What made you happy today?” and “What was most challenging?”
So, Mama – here’s my request. When you’re questioning your child about their school day, can I ask you to include just one more? ??
Have you asked them about the special needs student(s) in their classroom??

From one Mama heart to another?, trust me when I say that my child – and yours – will thank you for it.
And this Mama? Well, she certainly thanks you, too.
?Jen

{Please Note: This advice represents the opinion of only one special needs parent, who is still humbly trying to figure things out as she goes. While reference is made to a few of my son’s specific disabilities, it is my hope that all Mamas of special children – of all forms and degrees of disability – might find themselves represented here. }

Soaking in the Truth

Scripture to encourage you:

  • “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14).
  • “His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned’, said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the works of God may be displayed in him’” (John 9: 2-3).
  • “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I sanctified you (Jeremiah 1:5).

Music to inspire you:

Readings and Resources to come alongside of you:

Related Posts on Texting The Truth:

Living Out the Truth

Ideas to try:

  • Here’s an idea that a few of my former colleagues used, and I loved: Read the book Only One You, by Linda Kranz. Go on a hike or a scavenger hunt in the backyard, and find a rock to represent each member of the family. This could also be a fun sleepover or play date activity! Have each child or family member paint their rock with things that they love. Display them in your garden, a vase, or in the classroom as a visual reminder that there is incredible beauty in individuality. 
  • Check out some of these great book suggestions with your kids:  1.) Books about Kids with Special Needs    2.)  Books about Being Different

 

Treasured Products we love:

{These suggestions are ideas from novice moms. Sometimes our life situations need more.

In that case, seeking out professional help is the right call.}